As some of you know, I have an autoimmune disease. A few months ago, I came across the outstanding work of Jewish-Canadian psychotherapist Gabor Maté. After many years of clinical practice, Maté compiled a list of personality traits commonly found in people suffering from chronic illnesses, including autoimmune diseases. Here is his list:
- Automatic
and compulsive concern for the emotional needs of others, combined
with neglecting one’s own needs.
- Rigid
identification with social roles, duties, and responsibilities.
- Overmotivation
and hyper-responsibility, often accompanied by multitasking—stemming
from a belief that one must justify their existence by constantly doing
something.
- Suppression
of healthy, self-protective expressions of anger and aggression.
- Compulsive
behavior rooted in two underlying beliefs: I am fully responsible
for how others feel and I must never disappoint anyone.
Maté adds that these traits are not matters of willpower or
conscious choice.
I probably don’t need to say that I recognized myself in
many of these points—and perhaps you do too. I didn’t experience full burnout,
and I can’t say with complete certainty that my autoimmune disease was caused
by the circumstances I was in. Maybe it was. Maybe it was my body’s way of
putting up a stop sign. In the end, thanks to God—and to my mother’s
connections at the rheumatology institute—I was able to return to life.
Why this introduction? Because giving and receiving are not
the same; serving and drawing spiritual energy are not the same. And yet they
are deeply interconnected. If a person only receives, they become a
consumer—and we were not created merely to consume. On the other hand, if we
only give, we not only risk physical collapse, but we may also run out of inner
resources and begin compensating in unhealthy ways, such as through various
addictions.
I want to highlight four areas that I believe are essential
for anyone who serves others:
1. Identity
If we look at Jesus’ public life as a timeline, it is framed
by attacks on his identity—by the question, “Who are you?” At the
beginning of his ministry, Satan says to him three times: “If you are the
Son of God, prove it.” I’m not going to delve into the temptations
themselves, but rather into this threefold “if you are.” What does it
mean? It means: Prove that you are worth something. Prove that you can
achieve something. Prove that you have value. Prove that your Father truly
loves you.
The next attack on Christ’s identity comes at the cross,
when someone in the crowd shouts: “If you are the Son of God, come down from
the cross.” In essence, it’s the same temptation as before: Prove your
worth. Prove your power. Prove that you are loved.
When we help others, we become vulnerable. We often expose
parts of our own lives; we give a piece of ourselves. We invest strong emotions
into our service. Yet in such ministry, results don’t always come
quickly—sometimes they don’t come at all—and we may feel like we’re doing
something wrong. If we are to endure this reality, our identity must be firmly
rooted in Jesus—specifically in the fact that he doesn’t need our achievements.
He “only” wants our heart. If our identity is not anchored in Christ, we will
constantly crave the approval of others and overexpose those parts of ourselves
through which we seek validation. And that is not healthy.
2. Relationships
At the beginning of the Bible, there are two statements that
something is “not good”—and both are in the context of relationships.
The first is when God creates Adam and observes that it is not good for man to
be alone. The second is when Moses is judging the people and becomes
overwhelmed, and his father-in-law Jethro tells him: “What you are doing is
not good. You will wear yourself out, and so will the people. The work is too
heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.”
We need others. We need to live in the context of deep,
genuine relationships. When Jesus embarks on his most difficult journey—the way
to the cross—he asks his three closest friends to stay and pray with him. This
may seem surprising. After all, who but Jesus should be able to endure
solitude? Didn’t he have his heavenly Father? Why did he need the disciples?
Because Jesus was also fully human—and as a human, he needed others to be with
him in his suffering.
Some leaders and helpers are excellent at caring for others
but incapable of being in authentic human relationships. You feel like they’re
“discipling” you or offering advice rather than just being with you. In
therapy and other helping professions, there is often talk about the importance
of supervision—which is undoubtedly important. Still, such relationships can
feel artificial. What I want to say is: to truly help others, we need to have
and cultivate deep, healthy relationships.
3. Life as a Mission
Most of you reading this are likely in a different situation
than I am—or than your pastor is. You work in secular jobs. Let’s set aside the
fruitless debate over what is harder and focus on something else.
Peter was called into ministry during an ordinary fishing
trip. Jesus’ parables nearly always take place in the context of everyday
life—among fields, vineyards, weddings, and households. When Jesus talks about
the kingdom of God, he often compares it to money or wealth—not prayer,
worship, or temple rituals.
Jesus sanctifies everything we enter into with him. He
doesn’t distinguish between church and office, Sunday and Monday—but rather
between whether we do something with him or without him. That’s
what makes the difference between something ordinary and something sacred.
If we see our life as a mission, we begin to live with the
question: “Lord, how do you want to use what I can do, who I am, and what I
have?” That’s what we call a calling—a life of purpose. It’s not so much
about whether we stay or leave a particular job. It’s about whether we are
aware of whom and where Jesus is sending us. Whether we see our whole life as a
mission.
4. For Christ, With Christ
Peter Scazzero, author of The Emotionally Healthy Leader,
writes:
“The emotionally unhealthy leader operates in a continuous
state of emotional and spiritual deficit, replacing being with God with doing
for God. They give God more than they receive from him. The demands and
pressure of leadership make it impossible to live in consistent life rhythms.
When they’re honest with themselves, they realize their cup is empty—or at
best, half full—and they don’t feel the joy of God they speak about to others.”
Scazzero identifies four symptoms of emotionally immature
leaders in ministry:
- Low
self-awareness and ignoring their inner world.
- Prioritizing
ministry over family.
- Doing
more for God than their relationship with God can sustain.
- Lacking
Sabbath rhythms (i.e., one day of rest per week).
From these, he derives four unhealthy commandments:
- Until
you achieve visible and measurable success in ministry, you are not
successful.
- What
you do is more important than who you are.
- Surface-level
spirituality is acceptable.
- As
long as things are working, don’t look deeper.
Let me say this clearly: It is possible to serve Jesus without
Jesus—to serve God without God. Sometimes we hear well-meaning Christian
advice like, “Just pray and read the Bible, and everything will be okay.”
I understand why we say this, but I fear we may have thrown out the baby with
the bathwater—that we no longer truly believe in the power of prayer, and that
we trust therapeutic methods far more.
But both matter. And if we are not drawing from the Source
in our ministry, we will harm both ourselves and others. Sooner or later, we
will run dry. We may still be helping—but spiritually, we will be running on
autopilot.
Conclusion
Maybe you want to help—or you already do. That’s great. But
as the stark examples at the beginning show, helping others has its pitfalls.
To avoid at least some of them, I believe four areas are crucial:
- Having
your identity rooted in Christ,
- Building
healthy relationships,
- Seeing
your life as a mission, and
- Serving
Christ with Christ.
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